Gamera vs. Guiron

Three children, two boys and a girl, stumble upon a flying saucer. The boys both step in without hesitating, and are whisked away to a planet in Earth's orbit but on the exact opposite side of the Sun. Inhabiting this planet are two women with Midwestern accents, who hypnotize the children to find they fantasize about milk, donuts, and Gamera, our favorite hero turtle. The women simply want to eat their brains. Back home, no one will believe the little girl's story of alien abduction, not even Officer Concha (pronounced "Cornjob"). Finally, Gamera rescues the children while fighting Guiron, a monster with a giant knife for a nose. Gamera kills Guiron while doing gymnastics on a parallel bar and takes the kids home, where the kids hope for peace, understanding, and the end of traffic accidents.—Jonah Falcon